Getting over him? (Part 3)

Two weeks since he left for his place and I still felt like I was going to wake up and see him muzzling his face against the pillow to fight the sunlight. I sent back his belongings that were left behind. By design or by mistake, I do not know. I guess I know why people tend to return, get rid of or just obliterate things that belonged to the other. Once it is out of sight, it’s out of mind. Helps you move on right? You have enough emotional baggage. Why add to the materialistic baggage too?

I did not date him or anything but I did feel for him. I still do. Today, he told me of his new girlfriend. Yes, two weeks and a new girlfriend. Not that I was expecting him to be celibate but give me some credit. Some credit of having made some impact of sorts! I was screaming murder in my head. A cold emotionless, tortured murder.

I want closure from many things in life and this was beginning to give me one. I think. However, the whole thing was confusing when he reacted like a worried boyfriend when I did not respond to call or messages. Which, I take for granted amongst friends. Heck! I hadn't even noticed most of the time! After he left, I threw myself into work because I wanted to keep myself busy. Thereby avoiding any distraction. Especially from him. I did keep thinking of him at idle. Wondering if he would like this or abhor that and all.

Wanted to shun all the thoughts and yet again called up for more work. Started going home later than ever only because I was working 3 jobs and settling on a salary of an intern. Despite all that, I wanted him to tell me to stop the madness, go home and rest. Friends and family did say that and I wanted him to say it like he cared for me. Instead settled for more disappointment.

Talking to him about his girlfriend wasn't painful but what was hurtful was why was I not that lucky? What did I do wrong to not have him in my life? The solitude and heartbreak on something was doomed from when he came to Mumbai anyways. I thought I was ready for nothing to happen but then I should have been ready for many other things.

He never affected me so before even when his wedding will be fixed. I guess its only because for four days, he filled a void that is now screaming for love and comfort. For the security and adoration that I long for in life. Wondering why others got so lucky and I am the collector of unrequited love's many heartbreaks and disappointments.

He can do whatever he wishes. I’ll be happy for him. But I want it too! My own love story.

A heartbreak... (Part 2)

So, BM came to Mumbai over a long weekend. It was four days of him and four nights of me. Why this differentiation? I spent the entire time of daylight on just seeing this handsome man who sat before me. From the minute the sun's rays crept through the window and brightened his visage to the last ray of the dusk hiding behind the dark of his eyes. Then every night I would talk till he fell asleep and let the tears I held back just drown me. Or rather pretend to wash the hurt I felt.

I knew he was mine to hold and care for but that was all momentary. I did not feel I could ever belong to him the way I felt he belonged to me. His every breath was like a soft thud on my mind and in my chest. Only because he was within an arm's reach and yet so far from me. I know I am not this emotional or vocal about everything that affects me intensely. But this BM I was talking about. He stirred up a gamut of emotions I wasn't aware of.

On the first day, we went to one of the most romantic places in Bandra and he chose to answer calls from an ex. I was so hurt that she could hold onto him in a vicious vice like grip. I tried losing myself in the ambiance of Candies. But that smile (for her) and eyes which had so much to say were holding me in. I wanted to break down and hold him so tight that he couldn't see, hear or touch anything but me. It was that moment that made me vulnerable to his wishes. It was that moment I also realised that he'd choose to be my friend and nothing more. Wish I was wrong.

My carnal instinct to own him, possess him and merge into his being were killing me but I had to quieten them. Quieten them by dying a soft death every time I faked a smile. His compliments would warm the cockles of my heart but then my mind would pragmatically remind me that he's stating the obvious. So obvious that it didn't require a blind man's sight.

There were moments he said he felt insecure around me and I loved it! Why? He did not have the rights to "allow" me to wear certain things or comment on what I did. On what grounds would he? he wasn't a friend yet. He was my chat buddy. That's all. Right? And yet, I fell in love with him for being so protective. (OK, patronising but still!) Why the hell was I throwing myself into this emotional vortex? I was falling for him every minute he was in front of me.

I needed to make peace with myself and yet after a night of wine and dinner, I woke up in his arms. It was not a moment of passion but a moment of vulnerability and insecurity. I was insecure and unsure of him being with me. And yet again, I was right back on square one. I hugged him while I slept and he woke up to a fear of having to have given up a place meant for his woman. A place on his shoulder close to his heart. A soft thud for every fear coming true. His and my fears. He asked me why and I couldn't tell him that I felt at home in his arms. I couldn't tell him that his every beat resonated with mine. And that every breath of his was like a breath of life into me.

I drove myself away from him and shut down. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him and here I was losing him faster than I could grasp him.

He made me feel like I should allow myself be cared for and loved but he also told that he wouldn't be the one to give it to me the way I deserved it. Jerk! If only he were holding me in his arms when he said that. He'd be holding up pieces of me and my unrequited love for him. With my steeliest resolve, on the day he was to leave, I did not hold his hands, lean on his shoulder on our drive to the airport or support my tumbles by grasping him. I instead, hugged him once and blew a kiss when he was stepping into the departure lounge. I saw him catch the kiss and walk away from me and out of my life. My man of Paradox. My BM.