Getting over him? (Part 3)

Two weeks since he left for his place and I still felt like I was going to wake up and see him muzzling his face against the pillow to fight the sunlight. I sent back his belongings that were left behind. By design or by mistake, I do not know. I guess I know why people tend to return, get rid of or just obliterate things that belonged to the other. Once it is out of sight, it’s out of mind. Helps you move on right? You have enough emotional baggage. Why add to the materialistic baggage too?

I did not date him or anything but I did feel for him. I still do. Today, he told me of his new girlfriend. Yes, two weeks and a new girlfriend. Not that I was expecting him to be celibate but give me some credit. Some credit of having made some impact of sorts! I was screaming murder in my head. A cold emotionless, tortured murder.

I want closure from many things in life and this was beginning to give me one. I think. However, the whole thing was confusing when he reacted like a worried boyfriend when I did not respond to call or messages. Which, I take for granted amongst friends. Heck! I hadn't even noticed most of the time! After he left, I threw myself into work because I wanted to keep myself busy. Thereby avoiding any distraction. Especially from him. I did keep thinking of him at idle. Wondering if he would like this or abhor that and all.

Wanted to shun all the thoughts and yet again called up for more work. Started going home later than ever only because I was working 3 jobs and settling on a salary of an intern. Despite all that, I wanted him to tell me to stop the madness, go home and rest. Friends and family did say that and I wanted him to say it like he cared for me. Instead settled for more disappointment.

Talking to him about his girlfriend wasn't painful but what was hurtful was why was I not that lucky? What did I do wrong to not have him in my life? The solitude and heartbreak on something was doomed from when he came to Mumbai anyways. I thought I was ready for nothing to happen but then I should have been ready for many other things.

He never affected me so before even when his wedding will be fixed. I guess its only because for four days, he filled a void that is now screaming for love and comfort. For the security and adoration that I long for in life. Wondering why others got so lucky and I am the collector of unrequited love's many heartbreaks and disappointments.

He can do whatever he wishes. I’ll be happy for him. But I want it too! My own love story.

A heartbreak... (Part 2)

So, BM came to Mumbai over a long weekend. It was four days of him and four nights of me. Why this differentiation? I spent the entire time of daylight on just seeing this handsome man who sat before me. From the minute the sun's rays crept through the window and brightened his visage to the last ray of the dusk hiding behind the dark of his eyes. Then every night I would talk till he fell asleep and let the tears I held back just drown me. Or rather pretend to wash the hurt I felt.

I knew he was mine to hold and care for but that was all momentary. I did not feel I could ever belong to him the way I felt he belonged to me. His every breath was like a soft thud on my mind and in my chest. Only because he was within an arm's reach and yet so far from me. I know I am not this emotional or vocal about everything that affects me intensely. But this BM I was talking about. He stirred up a gamut of emotions I wasn't aware of.

On the first day, we went to one of the most romantic places in Bandra and he chose to answer calls from an ex. I was so hurt that she could hold onto him in a vicious vice like grip. I tried losing myself in the ambiance of Candies. But that smile (for her) and eyes which had so much to say were holding me in. I wanted to break down and hold him so tight that he couldn't see, hear or touch anything but me. It was that moment that made me vulnerable to his wishes. It was that moment I also realised that he'd choose to be my friend and nothing more. Wish I was wrong.

My carnal instinct to own him, possess him and merge into his being were killing me but I had to quieten them. Quieten them by dying a soft death every time I faked a smile. His compliments would warm the cockles of my heart but then my mind would pragmatically remind me that he's stating the obvious. So obvious that it didn't require a blind man's sight.

There were moments he said he felt insecure around me and I loved it! Why? He did not have the rights to "allow" me to wear certain things or comment on what I did. On what grounds would he? he wasn't a friend yet. He was my chat buddy. That's all. Right? And yet, I fell in love with him for being so protective. (OK, patronising but still!) Why the hell was I throwing myself into this emotional vortex? I was falling for him every minute he was in front of me.

I needed to make peace with myself and yet after a night of wine and dinner, I woke up in his arms. It was not a moment of passion but a moment of vulnerability and insecurity. I was insecure and unsure of him being with me. And yet again, I was right back on square one. I hugged him while I slept and he woke up to a fear of having to have given up a place meant for his woman. A place on his shoulder close to his heart. A soft thud for every fear coming true. His and my fears. He asked me why and I couldn't tell him that I felt at home in his arms. I couldn't tell him that his every beat resonated with mine. And that every breath of his was like a breath of life into me.

I drove myself away from him and shut down. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him and here I was losing him faster than I could grasp him.

He made me feel like I should allow myself be cared for and loved but he also told that he wouldn't be the one to give it to me the way I deserved it. Jerk! If only he were holding me in his arms when he said that. He'd be holding up pieces of me and my unrequited love for him. With my steeliest resolve, on the day he was to leave, I did not hold his hands, lean on his shoulder on our drive to the airport or support my tumbles by grasping him. I instead, hugged him once and blew a kiss when he was stepping into the departure lounge. I saw him catch the kiss and walk away from me and out of my life. My man of Paradox. My BM.

Obsession (Part 1)

At the foot of the staircase, he stood gazing up at me. I was here on the mezzanine of the institute. But something about that gaze locked me in. It was neither a stare nor a glance. The eyes were fire but his demeanour, cool, calm and collected. I fought my every sense to look away and I did. I stepped back and stood in the corner. Looking out for a friend I was waiting for. But then his voice! He was speaking to some stranger and they seemed like long term acquaintances.

I am in awe of this man. His stance, his voice, his demeanour and then those eyes. I wanted to breathe in the air he breathed and not share that voice with anyone. I wanted that smile to be mine. I realised. For this man, I'd become obsessed.

In true fashion of every story with a romantic angle, there's a boy and there's a girl. I'm the girl and this is my story.

Like a protagonist of many a story, I too am naive, learning on life's journey, stumbling along the way. Have been blessed with the most humorous yet skeptical friends.  The story however isn't about them or me alone. It’s about how my crushes or rather one of them became my obsession and then my man.

I was working in a corporate setup of a legal firm. Work was tedious and crushed my creative spirit. Yes! Its true. I stopped writing or expressing or just being me. Then, one of my friends suggested I go to an institute in Bangalore to reignite my passion for photography. Fair enough. I applied for the institute. It seemed nice enough that things are going to change for the better. Oh boy! Little did I know? There were a few days for the call for the exam. The exam determined your artistic brilliance or rather the lack of it.

I hadn't received the hall ticket and I thought maybe the form got lost in transit. I procrastinated on the call to the institute after all I had my friend to hang out with. So, I took out my gear-less two wheeler bike and ran to chase my blues away. I picked up my friend and landed up at the ice cream parlour nearby. I then received a call. That call was from the college/institute. The voice was smooth, soft and educated. I do not remember the conversation but when I asked who I was talking to, he told me his name. I ran to my friend and exclaimed I found the voice of the future Mr. Me! She laughed her head off and retorted that here is another crush on the famed "Crushes' List".

Headed off to Bangalore, where my sister too was excited at me coming over after about four years. I did not realise I am such a lousy connector. Had a chaperone along with me to fetch me water, food and anything I would require. Fine by me. I didn't mind being taken care of in a new city! At least I did not have to move for a thing. Spoilt? Yes, to the core. But, there one distraction on the train to Blore.

I was trying to guess the name, the story and create an alternate reality to this person in front of me. Turned out that it was bang on! I was stunned that I guessed not only his name right but also his vocation. Feeling like a super sleuth, I thought I should use these skills in the institute. We reached Blore the next morning and I went to my sister's place. Got to her room only to find her fast asleep! So much for sisterly love.  I freshened up, woke her up, hugged her tight and had breakfast. The exam was the following day post which I left back to Hyderabad. (Oh yes! That pesky detail. I'm from Hyderabad hence; the laziness is engrained in my every fiber.) Had only a day to bond with my little sister. It had rained all day; we were stuffing our faces with food and chatted away till wee hours in the morning. There was hardly any sleep that clouded our eyes. Fatigue was far from our vicinity. And I guess that is how we are! Chatterly sisters. Next day was exam time! So, took an auto rickshaw to the institute. I don't remember anything simply because I slept the entire time. I reached the red bricked institute lodged in the nook of the estate it belonged to. The shrubs and the fruit trees seemed to make the place welcoming and very Anne of Green Gables like. I felt right at home. Walked in and started chattering away with those who could become my future classmates.

I had a friend or rather an acquaintance in the same institute. I was waiting for him to give me the insider's look on the place. That was the moment! That was the moment I saw him and my heart went out like a light. He stood at the foot of the staircase; he stood gazing up at me...

Oh yes, the exam. Went in to the exam hall, the wary eyes were inquiring and anticipating about the exam. Here, I was holding my heart in my hand. Not for the same reason though. It was going to belong to my new found obsession. He then entered the room with the copies of the test. I'm calling it a test because exam seems to glorify it.

He sat at the desk with his back towards the curtained windows. Concentrating on the patterns on the desk I'm sure. I tried to work and solve those math progressions. Since when did photography have Math progressions to consider? And the answers I wrote were pure hogwash. Then I stopped. I didn't find it necessary to even finish it. He stepped out for a moment and me being me, had to check him out. That is exactly what I did. I checked him out when he walked and that butt! Yum! Yes! That is all that crossed my mind. I was so turned on! But then I looked back to my neighbour who gave me the weirdest look of disapproval. What does she know?

He came back and sat at the desk. Damn it! How do I while away the time just so that I can continue looking, alright, stare at him? He looked up, smiled and I blushed like a school girl! Thankfully I was seated or I'm sure my knees would have given away into a puddle of me in my gooey glory! 

*Snap!* I quickly wrapped p the pretense of writing, handed him the papers rather brusquely and marched out of the room. Ha! I wasn't going to be mush at the sight of this Adonis! I have self-respect! (For now). He took a glance at the answers and I just gave an inquisitive look. "Just to see if you'll fit in", was his reply. Yeah, right! I walked out bubbling with excitement. Oh! Shucks! I forgot to ask his name! Luckily, my acquaintance was sitting at the reception. Greeted him and asked the name of the invigilator. "Who? He? It's B." I just did a somersault in my head! It was the man behind the voice! Yay! I briskly walked into the garden after all, I'm a lady. That's how you rush in a new place. If only I could do a triple spin pirouette while walking out. 

I was making idle chatter when B came out and handed me the institute related literature. I wanted to grab his face and kiss him till he turned the same shade of red as his shirt. All I could do was take the literature, headed to the railway station only to go home. Blore men never had been any cuter! Why did Hyderabad not have such men? Were they hiding under the ancient Deccan rocks?

A few days later, I get a call saying I've qualified for the interviews and then I'm in. I was zonked. How come? I hardly finished the paper. So be it! B! Here I come to Blore again. I joined the FB page for NICC and started chatting on the forum. Made a few friends and felt right about it. I then got the news that he left the institute. Why God! Why?! This man was all I wanted - My only thought in the head. I went through the wall posts, profiles, member lists and then through common acquaintances, found him! I got his full name- B.M. Sent a friend request and just then I got a message. He had changed his phone number. He was using his professional number and now I got a message saying he changed his number. I assumed he thought I was one of the NICC people when he sent me the message. I died a thousand deaths of happiness. That done, I confirmed with a few more in NICC. Yep, it was his personal number. Now for the friend request. Was I accepted or not? Was his profile picture hot or very hot! He looked Gorgeous even without a beard. Not that I did mind.

It took a few days for it to be accepted. Honestly, I thought it wouldn't happen anyways. i had a picture of a cat doing the headstand as my display picture. I jumped around the house in joy and kept thank God for being super awesome. I had to now muster my courage and talk to him. And that I did. I must've given the nerdiest introduction in the history of intros- "Hi! I'm the girl with the specs in the corner of the exam hall!" Yes, I did give this introduction. Thus began the series of intermittent conversations between two people in two different cities.

I moved to Mumbai after this stalker like beginning. Why? I got through Xaviers for an Advertising Diploma. We remained the kind of chat friends you send whom you message when no one is around. He must've wondered why I kept saying Hi and grinned. While I just felt that i needed to stay in touch with this stranger. Did make friends in Mumbai and stayed in touch with my Hydie friends but I also was glued to him telepathically. Even when he went off the radar, I looked him up. I still do.