Two weeks since he left for his place and I still felt like I was
going to wake up and see him muzzling his face against the pillow to fight the
sunlight. I sent back his belongings that were left behind. By design or by
mistake, I do not know. I guess I know why people tend to return, get rid of or
just obliterate things that belonged to the other. Once it is out of sight, it’s
out of mind. Helps you move on right? You have enough emotional baggage. Why
add to the materialistic baggage too?
I did not date him
or anything but I did feel for him. I still do. Today, he told me of his new
girlfriend. Yes, two weeks and a new girlfriend. Not that I was expecting him
to be celibate but give me some credit. Some credit of having made some impact
of sorts! I was screaming murder in my head. A cold emotionless, tortured
murder.
I want closure
from many things in life and this was beginning to give me one. I think.
However, the whole thing was confusing when he reacted like a worried boyfriend
when I did not respond to call or messages. Which, I take for granted amongst
friends. Heck! I hadn't even noticed most of the time! After he left, I threw
myself into work because I wanted to keep myself busy. Thereby avoiding any
distraction. Especially from him. I did keep thinking of him at idle. Wondering
if he would like this or abhor that and all.
Wanted to shun all
the thoughts and yet again called up for more work. Started going home later
than ever only because I was working 3 jobs and settling on a salary of an
intern. Despite all that, I wanted him to tell me to stop the madness, go home
and rest. Friends and family did say that and I wanted him to say it like he
cared for me. Instead settled for more disappointment.
Talking to him
about his girlfriend wasn't painful but what was hurtful was why was I not that
lucky? What did I do wrong to not have him in my life? The solitude and
heartbreak on something was doomed from when he came to Mumbai anyways. I
thought I was ready for nothing to happen but then I should have been ready for
many other things.
He never affected
me so before even when his wedding will be fixed. I guess its only because for
four days, he filled a void that is now screaming for love and comfort. For the
security and adoration that I long for in life. Wondering why others got so
lucky and I am the collector of unrequited love's many heartbreaks and
disappointments.
He can do whatever
he wishes. I’ll be happy for him. But I want it too! My own love story.
6 comments:
Unrequited love is one of the harshest muses of all. From your pain and sorrow that you never let on, even when you are letting on, come these blog posts of such evocative intensity. I am not easily moved by writings but I felt myself undergoing the same torture, the same uncertainty and longing as you have expressed so well. It is but small comfort, of course, that from such pain comes such intense emotion that has been captured so lucidly. From my experiences, I've found it a good thing that I was not given who I wanted so desperately at various times in my life. In hindsight, I thank the powers that be for looking out for me. Again, that is no comfort. As someone who suffered much as you are doing now, my unwanted advice to you is to focus not on your unrequited yearning, but on your suffering. Focus on that and turn it into a source of strength. Hugs and godbless!
Thank you so much for not only reading it but also for commenting. I finally feel a little lighter on being able to share this with only a few select persons. And you are one of them who is on this journey.
I've devoured all three parts in a matter of minutes, I've been through something similar in the past year and it broke me, I can only say that you are dealing with it a lot better than I ever did or could for that matter, just be strong, just be you and just keep writing.
Batman! This is a revelation to me too! :) We share more than a birthday. :)
I have been reading your blog and there is a lil too much mention of your Ghar Waali to suite me... while I understand that you need to get him out of your system, I still hate...
1. what he makes you sound like,
2. the fact that he is so completely undeserving of the feelings he rouses in you and
3. HIM... fervently and with passion coz of the A grade asshole that he is.
So woman... Snap out of it and write something fun and witty and scintillating with charm and a sly sense of humour that is you...I beg of you.
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